Who am I kidding?

I just lost in the singing competition. This other girl, who is really pretty and dances and stuff, but doesn't know how to sing at all, got selected.

I keep thinking one of my best friends has a crush on me. And I keep wondering if I'll have a summer fling.
And I'm infatuated with the guy who teaches my class at the summer school with me. And I wonder if I should try and do something about it.

But then I don't. You know why? Because I'm a loser, that's why.

It's true. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't get good grades, I'm a self-conscious wimp. A WIMP. That's what I am.

Of course I didn't win. Why would they pick me? I can't dance alone on a stage. I'm fat and ugly. Why would people vote for me? Why would the judges pick me?

And why should I try out with BB? There's no point, is there? I know, for sure, that he'll say no. Not because it's not prevalent in our culture to go out--oh, no; that's the least of the problem.

Because I'm UGLY. I'm FAT. Sure, BB was fat too, once. But when you take so much trouble to lose all that weight, you want a pretty person by your side. Not a fat, ugly loser who teaches kids by giving them lame nicknames and making them laugh.

It's not my life I hate. It's me.


That's right. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I hate how I'm so lazy. I hate how I can't drive, or even ride a bike, for that matter. I hate how I'm afraid of things like the Snow White witch. I hate how easy it is for me to become infatuated, how easily I am to manipulate. I absolutely loathe how I eat all the wrong things, and then sit on my incredibly huge ass all day, not helping anyone. I'm just a miserable pain. A load. A thorn in the side.

Why do people befriend me? Why? Are they trying to mock me? Showing me indirectly how much I suck?
Why do I get all these insane opportunities? I don't deserve them at all. I'm a loser, I know! Stop rubbing it in my face!

My mom and my grandmother just came in the room. They keep going on and on about how everyone's watching me sing on TV right now. Do they actually think it'll make me feel better? 


Now they're going on about my summer school. About how I looked onatage. Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP!


I want everyone to ****ing leave me alone.

Just leave me alone! Stop reminding me of what a ****ing loser I am!

No, I DON'T have a good voice! STOP LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had a good voice, I would have ****ing gone ahead and not have been eliminated!!!!

I suck. I hate myself. I hate myself!!